I haven’t written here in a while. It’s been a pretty busy time for everyone these days, but for me I needed a personal hiatus from sharing my thoughts. And then today happened. Honestly, it’s been a great day. But as I was sitting drinking my coffee and being productive (so proud that I wasn’t just scrolling through instagram), a wave of anxiety ran over me. I got up from where I was sitting, walked around campus, and called my mom (the best medicine, obviously). It made me realize how closed off I’ve been with the people around me and myself lately.
It’s easy to be closed off. It’s easy to pretend like all is okay and that your life is swell and that things come easily. It’s harder to admit your weaknesses and, not only to recognize them in yourself, but to accept them.
In the past few months, accepting my weaknesses has been a goal. I literally have a checklist in my bullet journal (OCD, I know) that includes things I need to do every morning and one of them is just that: self-love. Like many people these days, acknowledging the things that you love about yourself can be difficult, especially with there being so many things that we are supposed to be doing all the time. Life can get in the way of focusing on the most important things, sometimes. For me, it’s accepting myself for who I am, including the body that I have, the emotions that can make my head spin (both in good and not so good ways), and recognizing that I’m not going to be good at everything — and all of that is okay. Granted, I haven’t mastered this self-love thing just yet and I don’t think I fully will for a while. It takes time and effort. I get annoyed with myself when my mind fills with anxiety and it compromises my abilities. I am not super accepting of those moments when I can’t put forth 110% of my efforts. I don’t like when I make mistakes. I don’t always love what I see when I look in the mirror. Yes, these are all things that I’m not good at, but I’m trying to work on them. Honestly, just accepting where I am in the process is good enough. Accepting that this will take time is good enough.
There are some things that you just can’t bear to muster out to anyone else. I get that. There are some things that some people, no matter how much you want to tell them, will just never know about you. Some things you keep to yourself. I know I have my things. There are a few things that I barely admit to myself, but it’s those things that help me build a stronger relationship with myself. Once you can accept the things about you that you don’t want to tell others — that only you know — you grow stronger with your self relationship.
People don’t know everything about my story. That isn’t because I don’t trust them, have faith in them, or love them. But because it’s so difficult for me to tell someone everything. I struggle telling myself. For God’s sake I took a break from writing to take a break from my own thoughts. Instead of believing in the voices of shame, love yourself for those things that you make you feel a little lesser than.
Accept yourself for all of your flaws and try to love yourself as much as you can. As soon as you accept that you aren’t perfect, that your flaws are actually what make you lovely, you will feel more at peace and ease with the uniquely perfect human that you are.